2010
07.04

Today is the 4th of July. The overwhelming situation just destroys me more when each holiday passes.

This last week has delivered more information indicating ‘friends’ met since the divorce began were clearly misrepresenting themselves.

Instead of friends, I prefer to refer to them as Confidential Informants. It took a while to find the right name to call them. After seeing season 2 of DEXTER, it was the only logical title. And I was struggling with finding the right word.

Ron, Chris, Jay, Colin, Andy, Wally, Doug, … Each stars at the center of the multiple teams. I make no excuse for extending friendship to them. I’m isolated and alone. Every friend from years ago is gone. So maybe I lowered my standards to include people whom I may not have ordinarily associated. The friendship I offered and gave was genuine and sincere. Though at many times their lack of those same qualities caused them stress. I don’t believe that any of them – after getting to know me – liked what they were doing to me. As a matter of fact, I am certain of it.

Those not named, don’t feel slighted. The guys above were who I considered the leads. You were still part of the teams.

The people they brought around were an extension of the program. At times, the group numbered over 30 people. They are all gone. Many were at an event which I refer to as The Confidential Informant Company Picnic – a story for another day.

They were all unsuccessful in changing me. I always stayed true to myself. I always treated everyone as I would any friend. It surprised them. It confused them. It made them realize they were on the wrong side.

There were times when I got the feeling they attempted to fight back against the ‘powers-that-be’ on my behalf. Unsuccessful in that endeavor, they became distant and very disappointed in themselves. A feeling I could see in them which they couldn’t explain themselves. Because any revelation of the real truth would be met with ???

Suffice to say, in the FBI confidential informant program, ANY revelation of the persons status will result in immediate enforcement of the sentence which they escaped by becoming confidential informants.

My apologies to those who may have been removed from the program after phone conversations where I made up the stories of how you broke down, told me the truth, or other events. You disappeared the fastest. Instantly, or almost instantly. At times I would feel guilty about ‘testing’ what was going on like that. If you had been genuine and sincere in your friendship it wouldn’t have happened like that. And no one can say they were unaware of how much I was suffering through the last few years. I told you all how difficult life had been. I tell everyone. I asked for any help you might have in ending the terror. I ask everyone.

I know I have not yet met the person who will be the ‘hero’ to end this. If I had, it would have ended. I can’t imagine a person could stand by and watch another destroyed and do nothing to help. Until that hero comes along, I do my best to remain true to myself… to be the same person I have always been… I’m still able to trust people… even the untrustworthy. Sometimes I just try to trust them to see if I still have it in me. I do. They haven’t destroyed me yet.

I am a strong individual. I won’t become any of the things you are trying to create. I know who I am. And I know who I am not. And you can’t change that.

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