2009
05.30

Johnny’s Graduation Party

I spent the entire day trying to get myself together emotionally to go to this party.

The Graduate is my nephew and my godson.  The son of the brother who has supported me through this drama – often against the wishes of his wife.  The extended family would all be there – including many of my cousins who I only have seen at funerals lately.  The whole family would be there EXCEPT my sons.  And one of my sons would be graduating this year also… though I know nothing of his graduation as yet.

I try all day to get out the door to the party… I fail.  The thought of being there with everyone WITHOUT my sons is emotionally crippling.  The thought of everyone asking about my kids, and not having any answer, or explanation as to why they do not communicate with me, or why the judge has refused to hear the case is destructive to the core.  Because when no explanation is offered people assume the worst.  The effect is completely humiliating and self-destructuve.  Yet, the conversations would be unavoidable.

 As I showered, I cried. I got dressed, I cried.  I almost made it out the door, I cried.  I sat on the couch listening to noise from another party in the neighborhood, I cried.   There was no way of going to the party.  I’d either cry here or cry there in front of everyone.  And who wants to be the man crying in the middle of a party?  I got changed and tried to calm my emotions.  

My phone rang later in the evening.  It was my cousin Cathy calling from the party telling me to get my butt over there.  i explained that I just couldn;t, that I wanted to be there, but just couldn;t make it out the door.   Cathy tells me to basically snap out of it and get over there and see everyone.  The tears return as I try to explain to her how impossible it is to go out the door and drive the mile to John’s house.  Emotional breakdown time.  Cathy reluctantly accepts my response and tells me she’s there for me – and she has been.  I calm down after an hour or so.

I did see the video of the Lansdale Catholic Graduation online… and I think I spotted John-boy in the clip around the 48 second mark…  Very proud of him for the accomplishment… yet, sincerely, even as I type those words, I can’t help but think I know a little about his high school years, but know even less about my own son’s high school experience.

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